As I write my “feels” on a daily basis, this day, April 4,2016 (Monday) marked my unfortunate(est) Monday so far.
That hashtag Manic Monday does not apply to me. Yes, I just treated my Mondays like any other day. But this one (today), stands out!
When I woke up this morning, I felt a little bit nervous, just like the feeling of you remembering you forgot to do your homework. Sana nga lang simpleng homework lang yung nakaligtaan ko. Madaling habulin, madaling ayusin. But its not! Its a life-changing kind of “homework.”
Why it bothers me? Simply because its not my own life. Okay lang sana if buhay ko ma aaffect sa gagawing decision, I can take all the blame if I failed or made some adjustments and improvisation pero hindi eh. Its like being a Court Judge but you do not want to pass the sentence at the end OR being Pontius Pilate who orders Christ’s execution based on the crowds’ demand OR being the Hitman for the benefit of a large organization. I hate it when someone decides for me just as I decide for someone else’s.
In the end, I did that fucking decision kahit labag sa Loob, the decision that can affect relationships, trust, friendship, family, and many more!
I hate it when someone says “Trabaho lang, walang personalan!” but in this case, in this decision, I, myself, is actually saying those lines! As in “WTF!” sa pakiramdam! Everything is personal, seriously!!!!!
Unang araw palang hina-hunt na ako ng konsensya ko. I think this decision will hunt me forever! Is this how the Grown Up decision making will ever be? Can it be just like Im-gonna-run-or-gym-kind of decision?
Being strong does not necessarily mean I have to be heartless. Being sensitive does not mean weakness.